A little while back, an old high school friend posted a status on Facebook that I have not been able to let go of. Frustrated with her struggles with infertility, she posted along the lines of "I would give up every sleep in, every night out etc. to have a child and if you parents out there don't value your children as much as that you don't deserve them". As I read it, my hackles started to rise and reading the comments of "Amen" and "God's Gift" etc I was admittedly rolling my eyes. This old friend went on to clarify that she really meant to describe drug addicts and child abusers, and my heart absolutely goes out to her as she so obviously would like to be a mother. Having never had to face infertility, I can't begin to imagine the pain that it must bring, and I was starting to let it go into that nebulous Facebook world until I read a reply from a woman who said that she was "tired of women with children thinking they know more about kids than those without" (Please note, I am paraphrasing from memory as I looked for the post but think it's been taken down).
And here is the kicker ... if you have not had children (or parented children full or part time, or adopted children, or fostered children ... you get my drift)... you honestly don't know what it is like. I was an amazing mother before I ever had children. My future imaginary children would never watch television, they would eat whatever was put in front of them, they would sleep. Parents who complained or had children who were poorly behaved just weren't doing it right. This of course all came to a screeching halt the minute I gave birth.
My children were both planned and wanted and adored from the minute they were conceived. But when I brought my son home from the hospital the day after a traumatic, life threatening birth, with my body torn to shreds and this human being to look after forever it was both one of the best and one of the worst days of my life. I remember thinking that I'd made a colossal mistake. Our life was fun before kids. We travelled and went to restaurants. We read the saturday paper and walked our dog for hours, and now this. My body had been through trauma I can only imagine is akin to a car crash. I hurt everywhere and before kids would have been told to stay in bed, to recover ... I would have likely even taken some time off work! But not then. After children I was expected to feed them, and clothe them as well as myself. There was still a house and a dog to take care of and I was so often alone as one of us had to go to work to pay for it all. It of course got better, and quickly really. But having kids means that your needs will never again be first. And I don't blame parents out there for wanting some of that time back, some of that life back, if even in little snippets.
The reality of having children is that at some point, you will be cleaning up their vomit, while you are choking back your own. You will have to make them dinner even if you've had a terrible day and want nothing more than to drink wine and eat cheese to console yourself. They will barf/wet themselves/poop when you are out in public and you will have to smile and be the adult while cleaning it up (and it's going to inevitably be in a Starbucks ... trust me). You will hate your partner at some point. You will obsess over what you will do if anything happens to your partner and you are left alone. You will eat chewed food or bits of stuff left on plates that in your child free days would have made you gag. You will hate your body even though it just created another human being. On Sunday afternoons you won't take a nap, you'll play lego, or house, or pirates (f*&k did I ever play a lot of pirates).
As they get older you will make treats for the bake sale, volunteer at the school, buy reams of poster board and "help" with projects. You'll maybe sleep a little more for a while, until your child starts driving (I'm not looking forward to that part). You'll dream of kid free days and how you would spend them, and then just wander aimlessly when you get them because that muscle has not been used in years.
The reality of having children is also that you will take 20 minutes to walk a block while this little human being finds wonder and awe in small rocks and pebbles, that you formerly would have just walked past. You will sing so much more often than you ever did before children. You will have an excuse to go for ice cream on a Wednesday afternoon. Dandelions will be beautiful to you in a way that you haven't experienced since you were six. You will sit and discuss the heartbreaks of grade 5, and watch your 8 year old master the cartwheel. These are privileges you would never have had without children.
And here is the conclusion I have come to. The Facebook rant said that she would give everything up to be a parent. To make a parallel comparison, if someone told me that I could sleep in, travel, have my body back etc but in return I would have to give up my kids ... of course I would choose my kids and I don't know any parent who wouldn't. I would clean up buckets of vomit, play pirates forever, make 10, 000 rice krispie squares (wait ... think I've already done that!), to keep my kids. I am so happy we decided to have children. I love being a mom, and all of the craziness it has brought to my life, but it does not mean that when I'm tired, and lonely and frustrated, I'm not allowed to dream of a former life where I was more than someone's mom.
And here is the kicker ... if you have not had children (or parented children full or part time, or adopted children, or fostered children ... you get my drift)... you honestly don't know what it is like. I was an amazing mother before I ever had children. My future imaginary children would never watch television, they would eat whatever was put in front of them, they would sleep. Parents who complained or had children who were poorly behaved just weren't doing it right. This of course all came to a screeching halt the minute I gave birth.
My children were both planned and wanted and adored from the minute they were conceived. But when I brought my son home from the hospital the day after a traumatic, life threatening birth, with my body torn to shreds and this human being to look after forever it was both one of the best and one of the worst days of my life. I remember thinking that I'd made a colossal mistake. Our life was fun before kids. We travelled and went to restaurants. We read the saturday paper and walked our dog for hours, and now this. My body had been through trauma I can only imagine is akin to a car crash. I hurt everywhere and before kids would have been told to stay in bed, to recover ... I would have likely even taken some time off work! But not then. After children I was expected to feed them, and clothe them as well as myself. There was still a house and a dog to take care of and I was so often alone as one of us had to go to work to pay for it all. It of course got better, and quickly really. But having kids means that your needs will never again be first. And I don't blame parents out there for wanting some of that time back, some of that life back, if even in little snippets.
The reality of having children is that at some point, you will be cleaning up their vomit, while you are choking back your own. You will have to make them dinner even if you've had a terrible day and want nothing more than to drink wine and eat cheese to console yourself. They will barf/wet themselves/poop when you are out in public and you will have to smile and be the adult while cleaning it up (and it's going to inevitably be in a Starbucks ... trust me). You will hate your partner at some point. You will obsess over what you will do if anything happens to your partner and you are left alone. You will eat chewed food or bits of stuff left on plates that in your child free days would have made you gag. You will hate your body even though it just created another human being. On Sunday afternoons you won't take a nap, you'll play lego, or house, or pirates (f*&k did I ever play a lot of pirates).
As they get older you will make treats for the bake sale, volunteer at the school, buy reams of poster board and "help" with projects. You'll maybe sleep a little more for a while, until your child starts driving (I'm not looking forward to that part). You'll dream of kid free days and how you would spend them, and then just wander aimlessly when you get them because that muscle has not been used in years.
The reality of having children is also that you will take 20 minutes to walk a block while this little human being finds wonder and awe in small rocks and pebbles, that you formerly would have just walked past. You will sing so much more often than you ever did before children. You will have an excuse to go for ice cream on a Wednesday afternoon. Dandelions will be beautiful to you in a way that you haven't experienced since you were six. You will sit and discuss the heartbreaks of grade 5, and watch your 8 year old master the cartwheel. These are privileges you would never have had without children.
And here is the conclusion I have come to. The Facebook rant said that she would give everything up to be a parent. To make a parallel comparison, if someone told me that I could sleep in, travel, have my body back etc but in return I would have to give up my kids ... of course I would choose my kids and I don't know any parent who wouldn't. I would clean up buckets of vomit, play pirates forever, make 10, 000 rice krispie squares (wait ... think I've already done that!), to keep my kids. I am so happy we decided to have children. I love being a mom, and all of the craziness it has brought to my life, but it does not mean that when I'm tired, and lonely and frustrated, I'm not allowed to dream of a former life where I was more than someone's mom.